The Everlasting Scar

Well I tried to hang out with this girl who I've been in love with for a long time. I tried lying to myself saying I didn't need her. But truth is I needed her from the get go and she needed me. Worse thing is not only did I let myself down, I let her down too. I feel like hanging myself every fucking day but I know thats not how you get to the other side and I really want to see everybody who has passed. I would hate to dissapoint them by killing myself. I would hate to dissapoint myself. That is why I am staying as far as I can by not being such a burden. I cannot be her friend because it hurts me so much to around her even. A pain I have never felt before. Burns more than any fire and feels like the biggest knife known to man has stabbed my heart over and over again untill it is nothing but strings. I have to get away from her because everytime I am around I get too emotional. I can't stand listening to her kiss her little boy toy. I know thats all she thinks about. I'm just a sick fool who can't take care of themselves. She only told me that all the time. I kind of believe her to a certain extent but I know I will eventually grow the hell up and make something of my life and look back, still sad, but only because she could of had everything. This girl goes with these people who could care less about her feelings, whine and cry about how she acts and how horrible her attutude is. But truth is she will always know I will except her and always want to be with her. She still has a chance but by the time she sees it... it'll probably be too late and I would have found somebody else, and thinking about that makes me feel much worse. I just wish she got over her trip about guys wanting to use her. And I admit I used to use her, not for sex either, just for somebody to take care of me and when I was in doubt I reacted foolishly, yes, but I learned and it pains me she doesn't see that! She is too busy wanting one thing from men now... maybe two. But it isn't love that I would have given her. I can see when she gets older all the men who have abused her and left her all alone to rott and she will probably not even remember me because it's going to be that long. And all I can do is wait for it to happen, sadly. And thats where the blame comes in. I blame myself for watching her drown herself in sorror and not knowing how to deal with it in an adult matter. I was a child for not dealing with her crap. I was a child to react the way I did. And therefore I am being punished. I hate myself. I really hate myself...

So here I am updating. Can't get any sleep because I have way to much crap going on in my life. Some good and more bad. The good news is my hand is healing very well. I took off another bandage yesterday so I have 1 free fingers. My hand doesn't hurt that much anymore compared to what it used to be like. I burnt it in a grease fire at my house. Very bad but at lease the whole house didn't burn up. I grabbed the pot of flaming grease which burnt my hand so bad. 2nd degre burns, very painfull ride to the hospital. So yeah, the bad thing, which keeps me up at nights, is this girl I was real mean to back in the day who was in love with me. I couldn't fall in love with her at the time because I had some demons of mine to get rid of. Always used to tell her you can't love anybody if you can't love yourself. I don't think she got it. She wanted to rush into things and I wanted to take it easy and really get to know each other. She couldn't handle it, and I couldn't handle her attitude. But I didn't want to let go and I shouldn't have because now those demons are back crazier than ever before. The thing I hate most is thinking about her really hurts my chest. I can't tell anybody because I don't know how to handle it around people so I just stay quiet about it. It feels like I have a dull hot knife slowly going into my chest. I almost got an anxiety attack tonight laying down on the floor while my friends were buy doing whatever in the bed next to me. I honestly hate loving her untill it literally hurts so bad sometimes. She doesn't feel the same about me why should I suffer this way? I honestly just want to tell her I never want to see her again but it's going to be hard. I can't take the sleepless nights with me thinking about the guys shes with and sleeping with etc etc. She obviously wants somebody better than me. I don't blame her though. I don't look good enough for her or maybe it's the whole transplant thing. She keeps saying I'm her best friend but I ruined it by falling in love. I pray for a sollution.

So yesterday was rather interesting. Went to Stanford to get my heart checked up. Doctors and nurses say I'm very lucky to go through heart rejection and still walk. Which is true because my really close friends with heart transplants like myself have passes away. I did run into my last friend with a transplant though. It was really awesome seeing her. It really gives me alot of hope seeing her. I gave her my celly number and we said are goodbyes (for now).
I was also talking to my doctors about my marijuana smoking. Yeah I do it sometimes, but I would never consider myself a stoner (anymore). They said the only thing that might happen to me if I keep smoking is I'd get a bad batch with mold in it. That would give me a fungus infection in my brain, or somewhere else. And, they would have to fillet my arms or leg open to get the infection out, which in fact would be very difficult to heal because of the immunosuppressent medications I take which pretty much makes my immune system run on 15% all the time. Anything I get like a flu or cold will last for weeks. But I don't get sick often. But I'll get into that later. I'm tired, and cold, and ready for bed.

So here I am finally in the Bay Area. The breeze smells great and I have no sinus headaches due to dust and dirt from the valley. So this week has been pretty busy. Been partying for a few days with some new friends of mine I met at birthday party which lasted for a few days. A lot of booze... suprised I didn't throw up like my friends room mates son. He was so drunk people drew a penis on his chest, threw him in the bathtub and turned the water on, sprayed him with a hose, and did really messed up things to this guy. Sad thing is, this guy deserved it all. He has always picked on me and now I'm satisfied he got his.
Going to Stanford tomarrow. Just for a check up because I haven't shown up for quite along time. They do there best to keep tabs on their transplant patients. But as for that, I must be on my way home to my dads house and do whatever and get a good nights rest.

So I'm back. I havn't been updating this thing because I have been doing other stuff. I almost forgot about this site untill something on a website reminded me of Lj. I have been writing in my journal mostly and doing stuff on myspace. But I thought I'd check this out and try to start updating as often as I can and meeting new people on this site. Alot of things have been happening lately, like getting social security income real soon, I'd say about a couple months or so. I'll be getting a fatt settlement of maybe 25,000 big ones (if I'm lucky, depends on how my lawyer has my back on this one). I've also been hanging out with my friend J who was in the ARMY for a couple years. Good to have him back for now. None of his family or friends know when he'll go back there because he was dishonorably discharged and almost court marshall, but thats a whole other story that I wont get into.

Whoa I almost forgot I had this thing. Alot has been going on. Too much to type. So I'll keep it simples. Lately things have been going up and down when it comes to getting my life situated. I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore. I just want to focus on getting a job, car, maintaining my good health, etc. The simple things people take granted for. All I've been doing is working out and running. It feels good to get looks from girls. Getting rid of this belly really gives me confidence. So, I just figured that maybe if I pushed myself working out, I'd have a better chance at finding a better looking girl. I never thought I would make it this far when it comes to working out. I really feel motivated. My motivation: GIRLS! Haha. I just want someone descent looking who takes care of themselves and me when I need to be taken care of. Anyways, I'm going to enjoy my stay in San Leandro.

Lately I've been thinking alot and I came to this conclusion. I am not in any relationship at all, but I do have someone in mind. I don't know if I even have a chance but I don't want to give up so easy. I know it will take some time but I'm okay with that. She hasn't said anything to me, even though I've been trying to get a hold of her. I probably screwed things up, but I don't know whether or not to give up. I think of her all the time. Even when I was in a relationship, I couldn't get her off my mind. Thats one of the reasons why I had to end it. I don't know whether or not to write to her because I'm afraid she doesn't want me to. So I am just going to write her anyways and see what happens. If she doesn't say anything then I will have to quit. Which is sad because she means so much to me. I just need some closure because stressing out over a girl who cares nothing about you anymore isn't worth it. I'm so very sorry for all the trouble I've caused with those other girls, but it's really time we move on to better things. I want to start fresh and I am doing my best to cope with these changes. I wish them all the best in the world. It's time to hit the reset button. Please understand everyone. Lets just be friends

It's been pretty hectic the past few weeks, but I'm doing better now. I posted a bullitin earlyer, so I figured I'll do a blog. Other than going through girl drama, there was a point where I felt the need to seclude myself away from people. I stayed in my room thinking for days. Thinking of how much of a lunatic I am. I do feel alot different than alot of people, but in a good way sometimes, not all bad. I feel I can understand peoples problems on a high level. Maybe I think too much, buy thats all I can really do. Thinking is my way of counciling myself not to go completly insane hurt someone, or myself. I find myself talking my way out of bad situations. But in the end I can't help but feel out of place in this life. I really wish being alone by myself in complete sollitude could help, but it doesn't. It just makes things worse. But I've been feeling better, and thinking clearer. I realize that I must let go of the past. It's been nothing but mayhem and despair, but it really did make me stronger. I just wish I had someone to vent to like my last friend who hates me now because she thought I was trying to get with someone when I was considering being with her. She got very dramatic and took things to seriously. I honestly wasn't trying to be with someone else because I related to her so well. But it's my luck. She really made me feel guilty. I hate feeling like nobody. It just reminds me how I was put down as a child. I've always been known as someone different and strange in most ways, but I felt the way I was treated was too much for me to handle. I wanted to hurt myself over her sometimes, but I felt that wasn't going to change anything. So I just made myself get over her by thinking there will be someone who I'll fall in love with and have fun being around. But I have to wait. I hate waiting. Am I impatient? lol Thats something I'm working on also.

I've been drowning in self doubt for along time now. People I talk with make it worse. I wish I could get away. I wish I could get my act together and be the person I'm supposed to be. I can't let small things get in my way. I find if kind of useless to post things up anymore, so I wont. The people who I wanted to respond didn't. I get nothing out of this. I'm better off keeping a journal that I can write in rather than waiting for people to respond. I am giving up with that certain girl who I wished to be with so long. She was too far away. I had a chance, but I let my doubts get the best of me. I am changing though. I hope I get an opportunity to find someone cute who accepts me for what I am. I can't do this alone. But I have to fix my problems before I can ever find someone to be with. I think getting some money will help. I don't think I can rely on any friends because they seem to be dissapearing everyday. I just pray for better days. I wont be on this anymore. I find this is not the way I want to vent my feelings. Adios for good.

I've been doing my best to understand my so called friends. I feel like they are drifting further away... I think I am ready for a change. It will be hard meeting new people. I don't want to give up. As much as I want to throw myself off the tallest buildings, I feel the need to push on for some reason. I just hope I can remain optimistic. As lonely as I am, I don't feel that lonely... I feel like the Other Side is keeping me from going completly insane.

So I feel better than a while ago. I had this dream this mourning and I feel it was trying to tell me to throw away everything I feel about the past, and start new. EVERYTHING/ONE. Some people will be hurt I know, I'm sorry, I feel horrible but I can't do anything about it, as much I would love to do something about it, I feel I can't. I don't want to depend on someone else when I can't even depend on myself. I wish I could hold on to the past... especially some of the people. But I have to make this change, or I will never truely be happy with myself. And thats all I really want in my life is to be happy with myself, and someone else to enjoy it with me. Who will that be? I hope I still have a chance with someone in paticular... but I feel that person doesn't want me because they might have found someone else. I believe you can only share your life just one person. Someone who understands you and themselves. When will this happen to me? All I can really do is keep praying.

I know I don't post on this thing as much as I would like to, but I can't do it because I have many things to do with myself before I can post a little entry of my life daily.


Saigo ga korosu!

Nothing much going on lately. Not too much drama. Turns out I am a dumbass. I'll explain:
October 18th was my appointment for a certain organization willing to pay for everything I need in order to take care of my new heart. Except, I went a day early and didn't go the DAY AFTER. I hate smoking pot now. I now know that marijuana is truely evil when it comes to remembering important things. So now, I don't smoke... again. I'm taking this as a sign and sobering up. I was thinking about going all out and buying some booze today. I had some Wild Turkey last night, dew to depression lately. I'm pretty sure the booze and pot aren't helping, but I don't know what to do. I don't go outside except to bookstores, libraries, and whatnot. I only go outside because I feel the need to and it sometimes helps to clear my mind. I don't like staying cooped up with my family and ghosts.
Which reminds me, the ghosts (yes, more than one) in my house has been acting weird lately. I hear laughing when I brush my teeth at night. Usually when the door is closed I can hear what sounds like a girl giggling behind it. Just to run out and find no one is around, and it's pitch black. My hair stood up and I felt a chill down my spine. I must say, I do love getting scared. I love that feeling. Almost all the people who hang out at my house have seen it. It's pretty cool because the hoodlums don't bum around for nights at a time, anymore. There are some people who do spend the night, which I hate. I can barely stand the ghetto queefer with his stinky ass smelling up my room. At least he takes showers sometimes. I went to my house to see where my sister went, and my brother said I wouldn't call him a bitch because he would tackle me. Now I'm tired because I was wreslting with him. He beat me up. Har Har. I love being stubborn sometimes just to spite people. But his hits don't hurt that much and he isn't worth beating up. He's made me angry before though. He pissed me off before to the point I almost took his head off with my samurai sword. Instead, I cut the arrow in half which he was holding in front of his face, about 5 inches. The arrow stood there for a minute, then fell. It shut him up at least.
Reminds me the time I almost killed his brother. He pissed me off and I tackled him to the ground, and I grabbed a weight from the gym and held it to his face, threatening to crush HIM. But I didn't. As soon as I realized why I was angry, I stopped.
The look in my brothers eyes was halarious now that I think of it. We always joke about the times we beat up each other. I don't know what it is about my step-family, but they sure love to fight. Unlike me, I only fight when I get angry with idiot people who fuck with me or my family and friends. Anyways, I need to go for another walk because I feel the need to.

i've been stressing over this girl lately. i have decided to give up on her, again. it really sucks because I would do anything to get to this particular girl, but i'm afraid she is to far away and not interested. i'm not going to look anymore. i've tried too hard and i just feel like a failure when it comes to trying anymore. i'm not saying i'm never looking for a girl, i'm just taking it easy for a while.

I might not be able to change my past, but I know I can figure out what to do with my future.

Just a quick entry. Things have been going on. I have a girl in mind but I'm not sure if she is interested. I shall try one last time, even though it seems to me she doesn't want any. probably because I broke her heart, but I want to try one more time to let her now what I did was a mistake.
And I updated pictures on me myspace. Hit me up whoever the fuck.

i really need some friends. i wish i had someone to hangout with. i've had a lot of things on my mind. i would post it but it's about a girl. who knows if She might take a gander at this. or maybe She doesn't care. i'll never know. but i am trying to try different things and meet new people. it's hard though after what i've been through. i just want someone to talk to who isn't getting into trouble. and someone who reads. i read so much, but i feel out of place because when i talk about it, i know nobodys listening... or comprehending. don't know what to do. all i can do for sure is try to take care of myself. can't depend on anyone. i hope better days come.

Some things have been going on. People are getting sick around me, and I've been going to school trying to get my damn diploma. It's kind of hard because some of the people there are annoying and the teacher is loud when other people ask her for help. So when I am reading in silence, I hear her like nails scratching the chalkboard. I've had a lot of things on my mind too. Mostly about relationships. I'm not in one but I want one. I'm tired of seeing people holding hands when I have none to hold. It just makes me feel lonley than what I already am. Maybe I need to put some effort into it. All in good time I suppose.

It's over. It's all over now. I don't know what to do anymore...

Lately life has sucked. My friend can't come over because he was rubbing on my friend that lived with me. Gay. And now I have to move out by the next few months. i have no idea where I am going to stay at. Probably by myself in some crappy motel. Thats all I can think of. I wish I had more options. But, what can I say? Nothing.
I totally lost a whole lot of respect for my mom because she snorted coacaine in front of me the other day and yelled at me to move out. She even called my friend trashy. How fucked up. i need help. someone, anyone. Help me.

Been along time since I updated this crap. Oh well... Nothing else to do right now. I've been going to this lady to talk to. Like a psychiatrist but she isn't the one who I will be talking to when I am registered at this clinic in Stockton. She is trying to see how I can get my life started and moving out of the house I'm living in now. Life is starting to look up a bit. I am hanging out at my brothers. I have a slight hangover right now, but Velvet Eden is helping it clear out... and this cat next to me wont stop meowing at me. She thinks she is my sidekick or something. My friend Jesse came over just a minute ago. We hung out in his car and rolled a blunt. I didn't smoke for a while, but I thought why the hell not. I needed it. I'm going through so much stress, I have to smoke sometimes. My lady friend quit her job couple of days ago. I'm glad she did. Her job sucked ass with all those little kids she worked with. But me and her are going to this place to hook us up with a job within a day or two. We're going together. But she is still stressing from her drama. Same with my other friend. I really miss talking to my friend, I need to call her sometime to see how she is doing.